My Aunt Cranky calls me “Rah-kel.” I think it is my name in German. Either that…or she thinks I resemble Raquel Welch. I’m betting on the latter.
Well…today, I am having one of “THOSE” days. You know what I mean. “Those” days are never good. And it’s only 8:45 a.m.
First off, I got zero sleep. I tossed and turned, fretting over children all night long. A couple of nights ago I even had a dream that my 9-year-old was smoking pot. Where does this stuff come from? She doesn’t even know what it is. Last night I was worrying about another child and it left me null and void of sleep.
And so when I got up this morning, I was a lil’ cranky… Just a bit.
I had to get my kids off to school. My pot smoking 9-year-old came in and asked me if she could wear a skirt that was 16 sizes too large, that she insisted I put on her bed yesterday. Ummm…NO. So then she put on a pink pair of shorts with a shirt that totally clashed. Ummm…NO. So I picked one out for her. She hated it. “I don’t care! You’re wearing it anyway!”
And then my normally very respectful other child had a pimple. And it all went downhill. She was supposed to have cleaned out the litter box the day before. But she “forgot.” “Really?? You “forgot? Well, you’re going to forget how to sit when you don’t have a rear end left! “ So she was cranky. Then her and her pot smoking 9-year-old sister were arguing. And then I told her to do something else to which she replied.. “OK!” But it wasn’t in her normal “yes maam” voice. It was in her pre-pubescent voice. <SHUTTER………..> And so we had words.
I put on my normal “taking kids to school attire” which can be unpleasant at times. Today I opted for a yoga outfit. Fittingly the shirt proclaims “Exhale.” But the pants are not for the faint at heart. They are spandex. No one should wear spandex in public. EVER. Not even if you are like me and you look like Raquel Welch…
But I was only taking them to school…right? WRONG!!! On the way there my gas light came on. So I decided to get gas down the road after I dropped them off. There was a station that had not jumped up yet to $3.55 a sinful gallon like the one down the road from me. I was to save .06¢ a gallon and NO-ONE was going to stop me! So I got gas. I tried to stop it on exactly $50.00 …but it went over .03¢ and I was wiggin’ out. It freaked me out that my “number” was un-even. When I was finished I went to put the cap back on and I knocked it off the holder and it disappeared. I thought under the car. “Oh great… I’m going to have to bend over in these spandex and get my cap from under my car. “And I had already been freaking out because there was a man at the pump behind me so I had been hiding behind the little door of my gas tank….and I was sure that it had covered my entire rear-end. But now I had to get down on all fours….and find the cap. But it wasn’t there. And then I heard something rolling…. I got up and there it was! My gas cap! Rolling….Rolling….ROLLING………………………….
The gas station sits on a little hill. I know I have at least one person from around here that reads my blog so they will know what I mean….. I chased my gas cap from Joe’s gas station to behind Mock Brothers. At least the length of a football field. In my spandex. “Exhale, Rah-kel…just exhale.”
While I was chasing my gas cap, I had plenty of time to think… and for some reason panic struck me. Yesterday, I went to Wal-Mart to go to the bank inside. But instead I came out with some Doritos. I had totally forgotten to go to the bank! And so I knew that I must carry onwards to the bank. In my spandex.
When I pulled up to the parking lot I was so happy because I remembered that only old people go to Wal-Mart that early and they cannot see anyway. And sure enough I was correct. On the way in, there was an elderly lady who was carrying her “return” in. This is no lie. Hear me out people. She had one of those fans from the 1950’s. And the yellowed instruction booklet.
She had taken “The customer is always right” to a whole nother’ level……….good luck lady. Good luck.
And so I walked in. And the sweet little ol’ lady who is always greeting people with a smile greeted me. “Good Morning and Welcome to Wal-Mart!” I forced the fakest smile I have ever faked and it came out looking like the Cheshire Cat. I literally had whiskers formed by my skin because I refused to open up and bare my teeth.
Last night a Facebook friend put on her status that she was eating an “icy cold watermelon.” This was another reason I could not sleep. This time of year I become obsessed with watermelon. OCD if you will. I cannot concentrate until I get the perfect melon. And Wal-Mart rarely, if ever, comes through. In fact, last year I returned a watermelon. I know…I’m right up there with “vintage fan” lady… So I found the watermelons. They were tiny but they would have to do. Some were perfectly round and bright green, they looked lovely. But then I remembered what my dad told me. A ripe watermelon will be yellow and flat on one side. And so I found the ugliest watermelon there was and went to pay. I got a $3 watermelon and $20 in cash. I asked for two $10 bills and she handed me a $20. Go figure. So I went to the bank. Except it was closed. Imagine my surprise. So I stood at the overnight deposit frantically hunting an envelope. The little flap that said “forms” should have tipped me off…but it didn’t. So I asked the dude who was standing there getting ready to open the bank where they were. He said…
“My…you sure do wear those spandex well!” “They are in the little flap marked … “forms.”
So I got to my car and was backing out when I had to dodge an old man with a comb-over. He couldn’t see. Going early to Wal-Mart has its pros and cons. You can wear your spandex but you might hit an old man in the parking lot.
When I got home, I took out my little ugly watermelon. I prayed “Are you there God? It’s me….”Rah-kel….if this watermelon is red and juicy, I know that You still care for me and there is hope that this day is going to get better.” And so I sliced it open:
BINGO! God had heard my plea. Everything was going to be OK.